I've finally found my true love...

What do you think of when you imagine God? Some people think of God as a man in the sky that watches everything we do. Some people see God as a disembodied entity. Some see themselves as God. Some don't see God at all. As I was growing up I had always thought of God as the man in the sky. Whenever I did something bad I would feel so much guilt because I thought he was disappointed in me. I would beg for forgiveness and hope that I had not lost his love.

Disclaimer: I will refer to God as “he” throughout this story and that’s simply because of how I was raised.

I started going to church when I was in 5th grade. I went twice a week for about three years. I was baptized in 6th grade, but by the end of 7th grade I had pretty much stopped going. Even though I considered myself Christian, I never really felt connected to that religion. I had a hard time being in love with God the way people around me were. They would raise their hands to him and cry while they sang. All I could ever think was, “Why are they doing that?” It didn’t make sense to me. How could I love someone I didn't know? It became very discouraging.

When I graduated high school I lost my religion and became atheist for about six years. I felt like I was a fraud by not going to church and not praying. I was having premarital sex and being mean to people for no reason. I wasn’t acting Christian, so how could I call myself one? I felt so disconnected from God and I still had not found that love for him, so I just assumed he was never there. I surrounded myself with people who didn’t have my best interest in mind. I let people use me in hopes to find the love I was missing. All my morals were thrown in the trash. When I lost God, I had lost myself.

About two years ago I had some strange (and very scary) things going on in my life. Things were happening in my home and with my loved ones that couldn’t be explained. We would see things, my boyfriend was having nightmares that would spill over into reality, and we both had out of body experiences. There were nights that I would be too afraid to even sleep. One night I decided to pray. On all the nights I prayed, things were peaceful. I could feel the bad energy lifted off me and I would be able to sleep without anything happening.

This was my proof that led me to believe in God again. In hindsight, I don't think I ever really stopped believing in him. Sometimes I would catch myself talking to him in the back of my mind. I believe in God now but I still don't identify with any religion. I feel more spiritual than religious- which, technically speaking, we're all more spiritual than anything. My views on God seem to be becoming clearer as time goes on.

I used to hear people talk about God as if he was bigger than us, and I also heard people talk about him as if he was us. This would always confuse me. How could he be bigger than us and also BE us? I realize now that these people are both right. God is just another word for all things good. He is everything. He is the beginning and the end. He is the universe beyond us and the universe within us. He's the wind. He's the sunshine. He's the rain. He's the happy moments of our lives. He's the air in our lungs. He’s the force that holds us together. He's love. He's everything.

When I look at the sunset, I see God. When I listen to the wind in the trees, that's God speaking to me. When I look in the mirror, I see him in me. When I swim in the ocean, I float in him. All these things that I used to take for granted, they have a whole new meaning for me. I finally feel like I am falling in love with him- with the universe. For years I have been trying to find this love in different men and it has always failed. I've tried to find this love in books and movies. I've tried to find it anywhere I could but it’s always seemed to evade me. Now I understand why. I've had it all along. I've been surround by it. There was no point in looking because it was already mine. It's like a fish desperately searching for a drop of water, not realizing it's floating in an ocean.

It’s not only all around me, but it is me. God made me in his image, God is love, and therefore I am also love. When I used to look at myself, all I would see was my flaws. Now I see that I’m exactly how I should be. I realize that I have the potential to love everyone the way God does. Of course, this is much easier to talk about than to put into action. Some people can be hard to love. Sometimes it can be hard to even love yourself. The point is that we have it in us and we are full of potential. It may be a daily struggle but at least we can say we try.

For those of you who think God doesn't love you the same as everyone else, let me assure you, he does. We all have good and bad in us and some of us have given more attention to the bad aspects of ourselves. This doesn’t mean he loves you any less. God doesn't like it when we do bad things because we’re acting in opposition of him- because, remember, God is everything good. You will still be loved and taken care of no matter what. You won't be withheld from any of God's grace. God's love for us is unconditional. The sun isn't biased on whom it shines on. The clouds don't choose who deserves the rain. The wind doesn't withhold itself from those who don't deserve it. The stars don't decide who is worthy of seeing them. We all deserve it and God won't withhold his goodness from us, ever. We are all in the same boat, so treat each other like brothers and sisters. No matter what religion you may be, our God is the same and he loves us all equally.