and the soul understood...
I have this terrible habit of doubting myself in areas that I could potentially do well in. I dabbled a while with makeup and I became very good at it. That was MY thing for a long time- what people knew me for. Then I noticed everyone started doing it as a hobby or career. Everyone had a makeup channel on youtube or a facebook business page. When I had potential clients ask how much I charged they would sometimes turn me down because "I have a cousin who can do just as good for free." It became very discouraging and annoying- so I quit. I danced in high school for three years. I became much better as time went on but I decided I was not good enough to pursue it any further. I started this blog a couple years ago and yet I hardly post in it anymore. I don't have as much spare time as I used to, but if I'm being honest, that's not the real issue here.
I've struggled with writing and public speaking because I'm afraid I don't have enough "life experience" to back up what I say. I hear sermons and inspirational speeches ALL THE TIME that talk about how your greatest struggles will become your greatest testimonies. It's a beautiful thought. It makes me happy to know that people can use their pain for purpose. But what if your life has been pretty good? Does that mean you have no significant lessons to share with the world? This is my struggle. I've been battling this thought for a while now.
I felt very inspired in 2017 and I learned many things about myself and my spirituality that year. 2018-2019 has been a lot of work- graduating college with my RN, moving to Georgia, finding an apartment, starting a new job, starting another new job(this week actually). There's been a lot happening that has kept me from doing my regular self maintenance and my cup has not been full for a little while now. I have started teaching a class about self-love at my second job. I spoke once back in February and I was insanely nervous. It was only my second time speaking in front of an audience. People were very kind about it and told me they really enjoyed it, but I have not taught a class since then.
I've had this persistent feeling of inadequacy about what I have to offer. My life has been extremely blessed. Please don't think I am being boastful about this- those aren't my intentions. I give prayers of thanks from the time I wake up until the time I go to sleep. I'm just saying the worst thing I have went through in my life would probably be my parents getting divorced when I was 10 years old. That is a cake walk compared to what many people go through in their lifetimes. It's hard to stand up in front of a room full of strangers battling drug/alcohol addictions as well as other mental issues and talk from a place of relevance to them. I know I will face hardships as I get older, but for right now I don't have many life-lessons to offer. All I can say is what I believe in and hope that people will be receptive to me.
Tonight I was reading a book called "The Complete Conversations With God" by Neale Donald Walsch and I came across a section that brought me to tears. As Oprah would say- I had an "A-ha!" moment. Here's the entry:
"There once was a soul who knew itself to be the light. This was a new soul, and so, anxious for the experience. "I am the light," it said. "I am the light." Yet all the knowing of it and all the saying of it could not substitute for the experience of it. And in the realm from which this soul emerged, there was nothing but the light. Every soul was grand, every soul was magnificent, and every soul shone with the brilliance of My awesome light. And so the little soul in question was as a candle in the sun. In the midst of the grandest light- of which it was a part- it could not see itself, nor experience itself as Who or What it Really Is.
"Now it came to pass that this soul yearned and yearned to know itself. And so great was its yearning that I one day said, "Do you know, Little One, what you must do to satisfy this yearning of yours?"
"Oh, what, God? What? I'll do anything!" the little soul said.
"You must separate yourself from the rest of us," I answered, "and then you must call upon yourself the darkness."
"What is the darkness, O Holy One?" the little soul asked.
"That which you are not," I replied, and the soul understood.
Yes, this little soul DID understand. This entry helped me understand that just because I have not called upon the darkness in order to see my own light doesn't mean that my light is not significant! I don't have to experience hardships or traumas to be able to still spread inspiration and light unto others. My light is bright and beautiful and can help many people. I wasn't able to see it because the light of my God was so bright in comparison. I don't have to call negative things into my life in order to learn lessons to teach the rest of the world. My life is very happy and there's no sense in changing that. My thoughts are meaningful and could potentially change lives. That's all that matters in the end. I can't summon the weight of the world onto my shoulders just so I can tell others "I know what you're going through." I would probably end my own life if life didn't end me first. I'm thankful to see my light again.
