When God isn't there...

Things have been difficult lately. Lot of stress in every area of my life and in those around me. I've been doing my best to cope but some days are very overwhelming. Usually I feel very close to God, but lately I've not felt him. I used to know what was right, always. I could pray about something or just ask God in the moment and I would know. Not like I would hear him audibly, but I would get a very strong feeling of what I needed to do. The past few months I've not felt that. It's discouraging when you feel like you've been abandoned.

A few days ago I had a complete meltdown. I felt like I was going to explode. I had to get out. I put my rain boots and rain coat on and I drove down to a creek that we swim at during the summer. Nobody was there that day because it was cold and raining. I parked my car and walked down to the bank. I sat on a wet log and cried my heart out for about two hours. Every time I thought I had control of my tears another swell would wash over me. My eyes were sore for days. I remember seeing a log just under the surface of the flowing water with a twig growing out of it. The twig jutted upward and almost resembled an arm reaching out of the water with fingers spread wide. I said "Lord, that's exactly how I feel right now." I felt like I was drowning and all I could do was reach my arm up and hope that God would save me.

I've still not felt him near me.

Tonight I have been meditating on why he's not showing himself. I heard a short sermon from Pastor Steven Furtick that mentioned how the proof of God's power is when he isn't there. This was a hard one for me to grasp, and honestly, I'm still grasping it. The easiest way for me to understand that message would be to remember when I was learning to ride a bike as a little kid. My parents would take turns guiding me with one hand on the handle bars and one hand on my seat while I peddled. Yes, it was easy to feel them there with me. I was confident and I knew I had nothing to fear. Then they let go of the seat and I got a little nervous. Soon enough they let go of me completely and I went sailing off down the sidewalk. I couldn't see them or feel them behind me, but they were still there to catch me if I fell. This is the predicament I'm in right now. It's easy to feel confident and happy when God has you by the hands and is letting you know what to do. It's when he's quiet that your real faith is tested. It's easy to look around and see how scary life is and how at any moment everything could come crashing down to hurt you. Even though I don't feel him doesn't mean he isn't right here with open arms to catch me if I fall. How do we expect to grow spiritually and mentally if he doesn't give us the chance to get stronger on our own? We can't expect to progress if we are constantly needing to be guided through everything by his hands. Only toddlers need their hands held all the time. He is powerful because I continue to move forward knowing he's there and not needing proof to believe it. He's powerful because he's the reason why I'm still here in all this chaos. He's powerful because I know he's the one who controls the chaos. It seems so easy when I explain it like this, but I guess it's one of those things you don't truly understand until you're in it. When all you feel is stress and disfunction it can really warp the way you see things. All we can do is remember he's still with us in every moment and the teacher is always quiet during the test. Hopefully I'm passing.